Last week, as I prepared to put 2016 behind me and embrace 2017 (bearing in my mind that I’m not one for resolutions usually) I started to evaluate who I am right now and where I want to be. Rewind back three years ago to me heading off to university, knowing that I wanted to live in another country at some point in the near future and excited about all the new things I was about to learn – I knew exactly who I was and what I wanted from life; to be the happiest I could be. However, by the end of 2016 I was feeling incredibly lost, which is something I have struggled a lot with since my teenage years. To people who know me well, they know I strive to be honest above all things and I suppose if anyone thinks I’m ever lying then that’s up to them but there it is.
These are the things I was thinking about as the year drew to a close and I started thinking more about the people who don’t know me too well – the people who have grown distant from me and those who know me only through social media and the content I choose to share and I began to realise that just by filtering my life like I do with my online persona goes against this honesty that I strive for in my everyday life. Yes, everything I post on this blog actually happens and everything I post on Instagram is certainly a part of my life but it is only the good that I choose to share so freely. So, to this end I wanted to share a little of the bad on this blog here for my own peace of mind and also as a way to help anyone who ever feels the way I do.
Again, to people who know me well it is no secret that like a lot of people I have suffered from depression and anxiety. The worst it ever was resulted in me taking 2 weeks off college, dropping a hell of a lot of weight and sleeping for 14+ hours a day. I got through it of course, I took time away from the things I knew I wanted deep down with the hope of returning to them one day to take care of myself. Over the years I have learnt how to cope on days where I feel particularly low and I have had a fantastic support system. I no longer feel like the anxiety that wrecked me when I was a teenager stops me from doing anything but the depression is always lingering. Having spoken to friends who have experienced similar issues with mental health, I know that I am not alone in worrying that I’ll feel as bad as I did again and that has definitely given me some peace. It’s taken me a long time to get to this point but now I know that it is okay to feel so low sometimes as long as the next day you try and pick yourself up or you tell somebody about it and above all you remind yourself that this isn’t forever and you are in charge of your own happiness.
With this in mind, the last three months of 2016 were tough and I do have a tendency to be a little harsh on myself and expect near perfection in everything I do so I need to work on that. I’m okay with admitting that once again, I feel a little lost in life and as an avid planner the uncertainty of what this year will bring is nerve-wracking but if I can just be a little more honest about my life to others and a little more open I think I’ll be okay. As I’ve been told by many people I just need to enjoy the freedom that has been afforded to me, live each day the best I can and not worry too much about the future just yet. Tomorrow, I am flying back to Barcelona and I’m going to make a concerted effort to make more connections there and really have a life in the city instead of pining for the easiness of life back home because it is still going to be there when I come back and there are so many things I do love about living abroad – it’s hard to focus on that sometimes when not everything goes as you planned but that doesn’t mean you can’t make something of it.